I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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