i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
