my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
