I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
