Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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