3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
