i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
