if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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