This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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