WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
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