my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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