I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
