So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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