On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
