Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
