I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
