I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
