____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
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