just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
