Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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