I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
