Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
