with your own penis?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Randomize
