My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
