Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you win again, gameday.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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