I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
