I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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