I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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