Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
