If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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