My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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