How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Ladies don't puke and tell
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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