It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
