It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
