My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
