I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
