Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
