foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
