Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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