how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
