if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I don't get it.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Dating After Heartbreak
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."