hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
