whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
