i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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