I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
