Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
