After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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