Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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