Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
