The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Not as such, no.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
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That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.