They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
