If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
