M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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