I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
