I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
