you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
