I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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