My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
