I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just gargled with NyQuil
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
