I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
