I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
