someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
