3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
